So my boyfriend likes to have his space.  He likes too much space for me.  I left and I cried and cried and cried.  Days passed and I cried some more.  My children wanted to know when I was going to make up with him, already.  They never suggested anything like that with their dad.

The next day I saw my boyfriend.  I stood at his door and his arms wrapped around me.  This was good.  This was losing.  So many people told me to stand strong and not go back to him.

I looked at him and he looked at me and I said, “I have an idea.”  He listened.  Now we are together, but not together.  Here’s what we worked out.  I see him on Mondays and Wednesdays and on the other days when he asks me.  If he doesn’t ask then I am free to see others.  He won’t be seeing other people.

Good deal, right?  I get the best of both worlds; the perks of being in a committed relationship and the freedom to explore.  He gets the freedom to have his space and not feel pressured into commitment.

Here’s the complexity that I didn’t see coming.  When others start creating a relationship with me, and want to go out at night, or they want to chat on facebook, or the phone, I’m sometimes not assessable. I am with my boyfriend and he wants to have “our time.”

The other complexity—when I am with the others, I am feeling guilty and wishing even more for the commitment that I don’t have from the boyfriend.  I want to be with him.  I want us to work.  I want freedom to not be a problem.  I want him to be emotionally available all the time and not to disappear at surprising times. The other guys aren’t matching up.  They don’t have his confidence, his tenderness, and his ability to accept me and to make things all better.  Plus when crises occur and things are really rough, all I want is to be with him.

My boyfriend seems more at peace and me more stressed.  What is wrong with this picture?  Why is having my cake and trying to eat it not working?  What to do?