What I miss about being married. I miss the security of it. I know that sounds funny after what I wrote in the blog introduction, but the truth is I miss the illusion of security. I miss feeling like I was in this game of life with my spouse by my side, and it was us against the world. I wasn’t alone.
Well, at least at the time I thought I wasn’t alone. I had the security of his love and devotion wrapped around my finger in the symbol of a ring. That ring announced to the world I was wanted, loved, and devoted to a spouse, and that spouse was devoted to me.
Funny, where is that devotion now? We took vows to be together forever, but now we aren’t. I go to bed on an empty mattress listening to the clock tick, wondering if this is how I am going to use my time in life up. Is this all there is?
The bed is empty, yet flashes of those cold, stone silences of marriages gone by flash before me. I miss having another hand helping me raise the kids and worrying about them. I miss those bonding moments where we talk about what the kids have accomplished, and together we are proud because, after all, they are our kids. I miss, I know it sounds funny, the financial planning meetings where we strategized how we were going to cut back to make ends meet.
There were good times when our passions blended and we created art together, passionate, building, dreaming of our future. Most of all I miss the illusion of having a family, growing old together, and being filled with our belief that there was love, hope, and a wish and promise for things to get that much better.