I’m getting too old to be going through so much heartbreak. I know, being in my forties really shouldn’t be that old, but a person who has lived as intensely as I have is an exception. I crammed in a lot of heartache in those forty years. When I was in high school I remember having a new boyfriend on the average of once a week. When a guy stuck around for longer than a week, I’d start getting nervous and put on my magnifier glasses to find the flaws that I could week out. Let’s do the math of a new guy on the average of once a week. Give or take those guys who stuck around for a couple more, and give allowance for those two or three guys a week, and I did that for three years — that is a lot of guys.
So I should be used to heartache, plus throw in two failed marriages, or marriages that I was victorious in getting out of? Not quite sure which way to look at it. Then add all those guys I went through when I was single. I have no idea how to figure that out. I struggled even keeping track of them when I was in the middle of it. I just wrote a list with their names on it, and some traits about each person so I’d remember who they were.
That is a lot of guys.
But to be fair, most of it, if not all of it, I didn’t put my heart into, so when the relationships dissolved, I hardly noticed, and it really didn’t matter that much. Or with the marriages, which were already so dead by the time we crossed the finished line, it was more a celebration that the chapter was over than anything else.
So my point to all this is, even though I went through the guys, and on paper I should be an expert at heartache, the truth is I am not, and I don’t have the skills to deal with it, especially this newest heartbreak. Maybe it is harder now because it is fresh, and I feel the pain currently and I don’t have the luxury yet of looking back and saying, “Oh yeah, that sucked.” But I really have no idea how to handle this one. As I wrote about earlier, I moved to Tucson with my now husband.
The land of solar heat that comes naturally 362 days of the year. The land where I never miss a day seeing wildlife. I am suppose to become one with this wildlife, and it’s suppose to be good for my soul. (We will see!) And I had my heart set on my husband having this nice paying job. Average pay, but a job with steady income. A job where he gets up in the morning, leaves, and goes to work and then comes home, and every two weeks he comes home with a check.
It was such a beautiful dream. I’d stay home and work on being a good wife, that I am actually making an effort in becoming, I’d prepare his lunch and dinner at least twice a week. I’d kiss him and encourage him, and take that check and put it in the joint account and pay our bills. I’d make the money for the other half of survival as I worked out of the house doing my thing.
Isn’t that a lovely dream? I thought so. So when he got that great job offer, I upped and married him and then spent the next few months huffing my stuff 800 miles to Tucson. I zeroed my energy by setting up our home and got it done in record time.
I also got up early, prepared lunches for my honey, kissed him as he went off to work, and sat back and waited for the check to come, and waited… and… waited. It turns out that the job that I was so in love with and so wanted, didn’t materialize the way I expected. Heartache.
My heart was set on that. What to do? Get upset with hubby? It wasn’t his fault, and I am sure that he was as disappointed as I was. He’s quiet, so knowing what is going on for him is a guessing game. Really, what I need to do is accept the circumstances and make a new plan. Adapt.
But I have adapted so much. I mean, when I drive down the road there are lizards and squirrels playing Russian roulette with me. But please don’t hit me in the pocketbook!
Okay, getting mad doesn’t make me feel any better. Unlike with the dating world, I can’t say, “Okay, next.” Well maybe I could but it’s my husband’s job that’s the problem, and as a good wife I need to trust him. (Ugh. This marriage thing requires effort and work. I know that, but I thought that I would be learning to talk about my feelings, not having to trust another person to figure out our security. That is a whole new level of work.)
So I should change the things I can, and accept the things I can’t? So good. What can I change? About hubby’s work? Nothing. About the way I respond, everything. But my heart is
hurting.
Giving it time won’t make my heart feel better now. When hubby and I were dating and when we broke up, I fixed the pain by visiting him and making up. That was good. That made everything feel better. I can’t do that this time!
I tried curling up in his arms and having him hold me. That was nice. I do like his arms. I like how he holds me. I like how this tough guy is soft to me. All good stuff, but I am still
having nightmares about our situation. I’m still not better.
Can’t go guy shopping? Hmm. I have to stop eating popcorn. I have gained twenty extra bonus pounds. Have to stay away from candy.
How do I make myself feel better about this new heartbreak? Love to hear what you would suggest as long at it isn’t, “Give it time.” I hate that advice, but it might be the best advice. Probably is. But I want to feel better now. I am from the microwave generation, and we are used to things happening quickly. Truthfully, how do I bounce back again? I keep managing to scrape together some hope that my life will get better and these huge obstacles won’t keep jumping in the way.
The only way I can even imagine getting over my upset is to play detective and discover where this new change of events is going to get me. Open to ideas……
