Bachelor in Paradise Season 3Overall, girls stop the fixation!  Seriously. I have run into too many girls lately who can’t seem to get over a boy, a former lover or boyfriend, or husband. The girls are all tears and crying and wailing over him. Where is her pride? Where is her self-esteem?


Poster Child for the Romantic Obsession


Granted, Hurricane Ashley Laconetti from Bachelor in Paradise Season #3 has become the poster child for this syndrome.  She comes swooping onto the show with a reputation of crying and crying and crying from her time on Bachelor in Paradise Season #2 where she met and fell in love with Jared Haibon.


He is a young man who is decent looking with dark hair and eyes, average height. He is a kind man who has an extremely hard time setting boundaries and having them respected, which becomes abundantly clear when Jared tries to break off his relationship with Ashley in Season #2.


Jared broke it off with her making it clear that he wasn’t interested in her in a romantic way and then continued a relationship with her over the year, admittedly connecting on the phone and in person sharing deep talks.


(Or in other words leading Ashley dangling and hanging out for hope that maybe someday “they” will work as a relationship thus feeding his ego that he is wanted. Every time Ashley cries woefully at him and tells him how he is the perfect guy; his ego is fed. Ugh!  He will continue this dance with her until she grows up and gets some self-esteem or until a girl he truly wants comes along. At that point, it is undetermined if he will continue a relationship with Ashley or not. If he keeps it up long enough, she might just become the other woman and be pleased about any crumb she could be possible scrap from him.)


Every time Ashley is around him she cries and pleas for him to love her and tells him how much she loves him. Nick Viall called it right when he turned to Ashley and said, “It’s an obsession, not love.”


Yes! Nick. Way to call it. Ashley has taken this mere human who is just a man, no offense Jared but you are just a man with strengths and flaws. He isn’t the worth throwing your life away for.

Bachelor in Paradise Season 3


Are you one of them?


How do you know if you are one of those obsessed girls that are wasting their life on someone who isn’t worth it?


  • You think more than once a day about the person in your past?
  • Do you check up on his Facebook or other social media forms to just “see” what he is up to regularly?
  • Are your friends are telling you that they are tired of talking about him and don’t want to hear about it anymore?
  • Do you catch yourself dreaming about him and you getting back together?
  • You become deeply hurt if you find out that your former is involved with anyone else.
  • You become fixated on who is talking to him, what they say to him, and what he says to them about you.
  • You feel like you aren’t good enough, and if you could just fix something about yourself, he would magically love you.
  • You talk about him almost every day, and it is the thing you want to talk about most.



If you are guilty of any of these things, there is a chance you to have this problem. The more of these questions you said yes to the greater degree of the problem you have.


The Problem with Being Obsessed


Some of you might be saying so what? Ashley can’t stop thinking about and cry about Jared. Really what is the problem with that? It’s her life and if that is how she wants to live it that way what’s the harm?


The problem is Ashley is a beautiful girl who many guys would want to be in a healthy relationship with her IF she was emotionally available and was over Jared. She is missing out on what she proclaims she most wants.


She also is so obsessed about the relationship and her rejection of this guy who she will never win over that she doesn’t have time to invest in herself. She is not creating the life that would make her happy, and she is not doing the work to get to know who she is and what she has to offer to the world.


Bottom line, she is missing out on her life! Over a boy who is aloof and has a huge probability of continuing to be aloof and emotionally unavailable even after he commits to being in a relationship.


I have to resist my impulse to find Ashley and shake her until I get her to stop crying and say—girl, it isn’t worth it. I know you are in pain. I know it hurts. I want you to stop hurting so stop thinking about Jared and giving him way more credit than he deserves and starts doing things that will make you happy.


Why do Girls Obsess?


Okay, girls, it’s time for me to get serious with you and get down and dirty and tell you the truth. When a girl obsesses over someone—anyone thinking they are perfect—they are objectifying that person.


They are holding up that person as the answer to all their problems and would heal all their pain. No man on earth is going to take away all your pain or make you feel complete for long.


Ashley probably did feel complete for a few moments while with Jared. The problem with her feeling that way was she got hooked like a drug and wanted to have that feeling all the time. She connected that feeling with Jared.


The trouble with that addiction that most of us have at one point or another is that addiction is what brings two people together and have them be cocky enough to think that they could be a couple. That’s it.  That is all it does and once it plants that hope—poof—it’s gone and then the couple is stuck with dealing with real people who won’t solve all their problems.



The Answer


REMEMBER: He’s just a boy!


Please, no more obsession over a stupid boy.  The funny thing about the obsession is most of the time the guy isn’t worth even half the tears. Most of the time if I talk to the girl long enough they will confide to me that the love interest did this or that which was uncool. There is a reason that you two aren’t together. If you were meant to be together and it was written in the stars, you’d be together.


If you are feeling sad over a breakup and missing the person who you used to be in a relationship with it’s time to boot yourself up and go dancing. There are plenty of cute, fun guys to meet. Plenty… and may I suggest that one of those guys might be so much better than the one you are wasted all your tears over.


Maggie Chambers, the main character in Romancing JT, a must read novel due out this winter, reality TV star, and self-proclaimed relationship expert.