My older daughter came out to visit me. She had left the nest, then came back, and landed at my ex’s house a couple of times, and ultimately drove down to visit me. Unfortunately for her I am not the mother she wants me to be, nor will I ever be. She has some kind of image in her head that she needs a mother who will coddle her and make her feel better about everything in her life. I am not that person.
She also wants a mom that fits the culture that she is comfortable with and likes. It is sad for her that I fled that culture and have no intention of returning. She also wants a mom that will take her shopping and dote on her and make her feel special. She came to visit a few days before I ended up back in court because my ex is trying to get unreasonable child support even though I have the children most of the time. As if that wasn’t enough, I am mid-term in my master’s degree program and seriously behind in work, not to mention a lot of things are falling apart in my house. I told her all this before she came. I don’t have the time or the energy to be what she wants.
Why am I living the clichéd, classic story of the mother-daughter relationship that is riddled with complexities, hurt feelings, and misunderstandings? I am not sure. She is mad about who I married, what I have become, my two failed marriages, and the fact I don’t talk to my father. What can I say but, “Yes, I messed up my life. I hope you don’t. I am glad you think you have all the answers. I hope life works out for you. And if you think my father is a great person, you hang out with him. I am not going to.”
I have to say that my limit was pushed when she went on and on about how great my ex-husband, her dad, was, and how great my father was, and how I should hang out with them. That point pushed me too far and I did say, “I have had surgeries because of the physical injuries those two created. I am not hanging out with them. Glad you think they are great.” What else could I have possibly said?
My daughter thinks I am bad because I am hiding from my kids. I think I am hiding from me. Go ahead and get mad. What can I do about it? I don’t have the energy to fix all her problems nor do I have the ability. She says that she blames some of her greatest trials directly on me. Great. The curse of being a mom, I guess.
Anyone else feels this way or am I the only one?
Anybody else ugh-ing?
